Life is Beautiful!

My name if Jennifer Ponce and I am a 38 year old 4 year Lymphoma cancer survivor!

Four years ago on August 22, 2006 I rang the bell.  The bell that was to signify the end of my cancer treatment.  Not the journey...just the treatment.  This day was far more emotional then I ever could have anticipated.  I thought it would really be no big deal, I would ring the bell because Keith and a few of my friends insisted.  Heck - I didn't even know the bell existed until a couple of days before my last zap of radiation.

When you ring the bell you also recite what is written on the plaque: 

Ringing Out

Ring this bell

three times well

Its toll to clearly say,

My treatment's done

This course is run

And, I am on my way!

REAR ADMIRAL IRVE C. Le MOYNE, USN

JANUARY 4, 1996

I can tell you that I rang that bell way more then three times well... I took a hold of that string and rang that bell with every ounce of my being...with warm tears streaming down my face that could be seen flooding the floor beneath.  In fact everyone around us was crying.  Not just me, not just Keith and my friends, but there was not a dry eye in the lobby... I don't think this is something that is special just to me...I think anyone that witnesses a patient ringing that bell is overwhelmed with emotion.

My hair started growing back just before my last round of chemo (the doctor told me it was because my body was past the insult of the chemo...nice Dr. Sam...nice....).  So I promised Keith that I would remove my "security blanket" after ringing the bell.  I promised not just for the day, but for good.  This was a hard one for me.  With no hair and no bandanna I felt ugly.  But I was officially no longer sick and it was time to move past this chapter, so I hesitantly agreed.  The significance was strong so I knew I had to get past my self consciousness.

A glimpse into my cancer story. 

It all started on Thursday January 05, 2006.  I went to see my primary care physician, Dr. Lincoln.  My left ear hurt and I had a little cough.  Dr. Lincoln listened to my breathing and asked if I had been short of breath, when I told her a little she decided to do a chest x-ray.  She was being thorough and wanted to make sure that I did not have phenomena.

Needless to say when she came back with the x-ray results she explained that I did not have phenomena but that I did have a large mass on my left lung that appeared to be a tumor. {Can we go back to that phenomena thing…I think I am okay with that now…haha}. I remember her drawing a picture of my lungs, the location of my tumor and the location of my heart with a blue marker on the white paper that lined the examining table like it was yesterday. She gave me a list of a few different tumors (because I told her that Keith was going to ask a lot of questions that I was not going to be able to answer).  Then she asked asked if I could make myself available to have a CT scan that same afternoon… Ahhh Doc, you just told me I have a large mass on my left lung, of course I have time!

I called Keith once I got in my truck and asked him to please call in sick to work. Telling him was probably the hardest thing to do. He of course asked why and for the first time, I started crying so hard I do know how he could have understood me…but I got it out…”I have a large mass on my left lung and I need to go for CT scans. Can you please take me”? I told him everything the doc told me and gave him the list of the tumors that the doctor had given me, which he had information on before I got home.

The CT scans were set for around 4:30 and Dr Lincoln finally called around 7:00 …I say finally because I think those were the longest hours of my life. She was very thorough in her explanation but really the only thing she was able to clarify was that it was definitely a tumor.

My co-worker and good friend Kristen and I were hoping it was just Slim Jims that were stuck to my lung (I had been eating a lot of them. Scott, our other co-worker brought a tub of them to work after Christmas).  So glad I had Kristen there, to help lighten things up...she was scared and she was worried but together we laughed.

Kristen - I love my Lymphoma awareness bracelet... I will cherish it always ~ ♥

On Monday the 9th we saw the Pulmonary Dr. and on Tuesday the 10th the biopsy was done. We got the final diagnosis on Thursday the 12th when the Pulmonary doctor called me at work to tell my I had Lymphoma.  I remember being so naive that I asked the Dr. "Lymphoma, what does that mean?  Is it benign?"  And I remember the voice on the other end saying "No dear, it's cancer".  I must have been in a bit of shock because I hung up the phone called Keith, shared the news and continued to work. 

 It was all happening so fast and I was scared and I really did not know how to reassure everyone that I was going to be okay.  It was inevitable ... I was going to get through this.  I never doubted that!

In the middle of the night while Keith was sleeping I remember sneaking out of bed  and going to the kitchen.  In the middle of the night I cried.  I cried alone. I cried loud. I cried hard.  I buried my face into the palms of my hands and sobbed.  In the middle of the night I picked up the phone and  I called MDAnderson. I left a message requesting an appointment in the Lymphoma department.  On my way to work just a few hours later, I had to keep my mind busy, I got a call from MDAnderson.  The soonest they could get me in would be the 25th due to the MLK holiday.... How was I going to wait 12 whole days knowing I had cancer and not knowing how we were going to get rid of it...

In good spirits before my doctors appointment

My doctors appointment on the 25th  was overwhelming.  Dr. Samaniego, was my Oncologist.  I remember thinking how serious he was, not funny but very serious.  It was like he was calculating in his head how to make my cancer go away.  I knew after meeting him that I was in good hands. 

The next step was to undergo several different tests to determine stage and treatment of my cancer.  Dr. Samaniego informed me that I would lose my hair.  It was going to happen and that I should accept it. That was when I started crying uncontrollably.  Not because I am vain,. Not because I care that much about my hair.  But because now EVERYONE would know I was sick.  The funny part was that even through my tears and obvious dismay I looked at him and said "no, not my hair" and it sounded like "no, not the gum drop buttons" (you know Shrek - the gingerbread man)...  I was also told in this appointment that all chemo would be administered through a central line catheter.   Leaving that day I was a little unclear as to what a central line catheter really was.

Together we will conquer!! ~ ♥

On February 2, 2006,  I had a bone marrow aspiration/biopsy done.  I am not going to lie, this was not a fun procedure it left me a little sore. Keith said I handled it like a champ!!! Only a couple of tears but no yelling. YEAH JEN!!

The next step was to have my catheter inserted, okay no lies…this sucked! We referred to the catheter as Jenney’s Predators Patch or simply JP2. It was inserted right below my collar bone on the right side of my chest, it was very awkward having this gadget with two tubes sticking out of my chest.  I can honestly say I learned to adapt.  Keith had to take classes to learn how change the dressing and how to simply care for the catheter. He is such a wonderful hubby and watching him go through this with me and his unbelievable strength just made me love him that much more.…like I thought that was even possible!!  The first time the dressing was changed I had it done at the hospital and I nearly fainted for the first time in my life...but it got easier. 

On Friday Feb. 10th we started our first round of chemo and received our staging results. {I use the words we and our because I did not go through this alone, Keith was very much apart of every diagnosis or treatment that I went through}.  The staging results showed that I had Stage II, Large B-Cell, Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I had a mass on my left lung (9.5cm) and  little popcorn size masses in the base of my neck near my left lung.  The chemo regimen that I took was called RCHOP (all the initials of the meds). The first 4 are administered through the catheter and then there was one that I took orally.  I spent a day in the hospital and then was able to bring a chemo bag (which was hooked to the catheter) home.  I had to stay hooked to the bag for 48 hours.  The chemo made me a little loopy, forgetful, and achy but other then that I really didn't have any major side effects. 

I started to lose my hair shortly after my first round of chemo.  It was as dramatic as you see in the movies.  I could not even run my fingers through my hair without big clumps getting stuck between my fingers.  I decided that this was the one thing that I did have control of so I called my friend Kathy and told her that I was ready.  I was freaked out and I think my dear friend was freaked out too.  She told me that she had to stop on the side of the road before getting to my house to cry...she did not know how she was going to keep it together for me.  We moved the truck out of the garage and Kathy started her master piece.  To see ALL of my hair on the ground was a bit humbling.  My one regret is that my hair was not long enough to donate to locks of love (Locks of Love is a public non-profit organization that provides hairpieces to financially disadvantaged children under age 18 suffering from long-term medical hair loss).  I held it together and Kathy was shocked at how pretty my head was???  So we found laughter.

Kathy (with Kade in her belly) & Jackie (with Ryder in her belly) ~ ♥

After weekly fast track visits (to check blood counts).  Six rounds of chemo every 21 days (2 of which were delayed due to low blood counts).  Neulasta injections, given in the stomach,  24 hrs after every chemo cycle to help boost white blood cell count. Numerous X-Rays,CT,  &amp, PET Scans and several trips to the Dr. for consultations later on June 30th we received the wonderful news.  I no longer had cancer.  There was no longer evidence of the disease (NED-no evidence of disease).  I was able to get my catheter removed and I no longer needed chemo...This is of course where the 5 weeks of daily radiation began...but I can now proudly say that the rest is history!

Every year I try to go back and re-read the updates that we sent out to all of our loving family and friends.  They bring back such a range of emotions.  I can openly admit that the biggest being the overwhelming amount of love and support that we received thought our journey.

I am not sad that I had cancer.  I am glad to be a survivor.  Cancer DID change my life.  It made me less careless about how I live it.  It made me slow down and appreciate all that I have around me.  These are not changes that happened overnight but happened non the less.  This sound like something  Kelle Hampton would say but I am drinking it all in and I am sucking the bee-jee-sus out of it...savoring every little sip.  Life is beautiful!  It is good! It is precious and I am living it baby!!!

Demetra... Could not have done it with out you! ~♥

Just a picture to prove that I did own something other then that orange shirt...lol

Fun! Just Plain Fun!

My family and I share so many moments that make me just sit back and go ahhh... so many that there would be no way to share them all ... so I have selected just a couple of my favorites.  As a family we have fun...just a lot of plain- laugh till it hurts- fun!

Ahhh #1

Ahliana's favorite song is "Hey, Soul Sister", by Train.  Whenever her song comes on she stops what she is doing and says "my song mommy, my favorite song!" So when Train played live on the Today show Friday the 6th I ran out into the living room turned off Little Bear {this is a big deal...you NEVER turn off one of her shows} and watched as she sat on the couch in amazement... "my song mommy, it's my song" ... she giggled with excitement and slid of the couch to dance and sing.  So together we sang and danced until the song was over and she said "again".

Later that evening I replayed the concert (which I DVR'd - love D-V-R!) particularly "Hey, Soul Sister".  Again she started to dance and sing.  She looked at daddy and said "come on daddy".  So the three of us danced around the living room.  Ahliana holding a small hairbrush for a microphone and Keith and I holding small flashlights.  It was one of those AHHH moments that you wish would last forever.

I really wish we had it on video so when she hits that awful age when she thinks I don't love her I could show her the video as proof...hahaha. 


Ahhh #2

My two favorite times of the day with Ahliana are:  When we are barely waking up in the morning and when I put her down to bed at night.

Ahliana wakes up by my side every morning.  Yes, every morning!  For those of you that are not co-sleepers you may find this repulsive.  Well let it be known that Ahli DOES start off the night in her room and finds her way into our room every night.  I can't lie...I giggle at the sound of the pitter patter her feet make on the wood floor as she travels into our room...I can't wait to see what animal she is clutching tight when I pick her up to lift her into my bed.  Is it Shamu, her zebra, Libby Lou... I love that she snuggles in and falls right back to sleep. We are okay with this and actually both of us love it.  It is our "snuggle" time.  It is our time of the day when sweetness is in abundance.  The kisses and hugs are many.  And the tickles and laughter are plenty.  Don't get me wrong...there are always I love yous, hugs, kisses, laughter and joy throughout our days but there is something special in the mornings that just does not compare to any other time.  It is our special time.

I also really cherish the bedtime hour.  We try so hard to have a routine. But honestly I just go with it.  After a playful, sometimes art filled, bath with letters and rubber duckies, paints and fuzzies, we try to wind down with a book.  But all to often jammie time turns into a giggle fest.  I will hold Ahliana down and tickle her until she says "no more, mommy!" Then she runs off and comes back for round 2...then 3... sometimes 4.  Then when we finally settle down and it is quiet time...she starts to tell me all about her day at school.  She is so precious and so serious... I love to hear all about it.

My child brings so much joy to my heart and our everyday life that I could go on and on with our ahhh moments for ever...I touched on the two that are dearest to my heart and memories that I will always cherish.  I have said it before and I will say it again.  I am so blessed to have this precious child in my life and I don't ever want to take it for granted.  I really do love her more then I ever thought humanly possible.

**I know- A picture-less post?? After the Sea World post I thought you all needed a break..lol.**
Maybe I'll add a pic or two later.

Making Memories

WARNING...LONGEST POST EVER....  AND PICTURE HEAVY!!!!


I love making memories with my little squirt. Seeing things for the first time through her little excited eyes. To have her clap at herself for doing something as little as finishing a song....and then hearing her say "clap too mommy". I love the way her whole face just lights up with pleasure when she does something that pleases us. I love the way that when she swims with her daddy she is ne-ver ready to go and just keeps saying "one more time daddy".  The way she giggles at herself when she takes a drink out of a "big girl" cup successfully without spilling a drop. I love the way she wakes up in the morning and looks at me with her little sleeping eyes and just grins and says "hi mommy" then curls up on the pillow with me to snuggle just a little longer. I love the way that I just know, that she knows, how much we love her.

This week we took our first family vacation. We went to Sea World to see "Shampoo" (aka Shamu). Then we went to the National Bridge Wildlife Safari, or as Ahliana would say "we went to the fari". I can honestly say that both were also a first for me...so I too saw them through child eyes.

Sea World was WOOOOW!!!

It amazes me to watch the trainers as they perform with the killer whales (aka shamu's). They truly love these animals. You see it with every caress, with every kiss, with every fish that is given as gratitude for a good dead. You see no fear just tenderness toward these monstrously large creatures of the sea. It makes you want to get out of your chair and go down for a big hug too ::: then you think of the scene in Happy Feet where the killer whale is chasing Mumbo ::: kinda makes you rethink the whole hug thing ::: But can I just say  - I Believe-!!! What a beautiful show!!

We did NOT sit in "the splash zone"

We also got to feed the dolphins. This and Shamu were top on my Sea World list of things to do. In fact I really did not care if we did anything else to be honest...but this was not all about me - it was about my precious little girl and making memories with her too. It was for us ALL.

Feeding the dolphins was as wonderful as I expected it to be. We opted to purchase 3 trays of food instead of just one so that Ahliana and I could both have the opportunity to hang that little sardine into the air for the chance to feed and touch a dolphin. I was in awe that Ahliana was willing to participate in the touching of "the little fish" but she is a big girl and did it without a second thought. She would take that "little fish" and throw it right into the dolphin’s mouth. Then I would hold her just low enough to reach her hand in to touch a snout...oh the little giggles...the sound of pure joy and magic to my ears.

Our next adventure was into Sharks & the Coral Reef. Whew a little relief from the heat. The building had a/c which was a nice cool down for us all. Again I am in just awe at how beautiful the sea life is. The coral, the sharks, all the brilliantly colored fish, the sting rays that were all smiling at us through the glass, the bright colored frogs...I mean who really knew it all existed. Okay so I had an idea but I have never seen it all look so fascinating. Then we got super lucky and we were in time for the sting ray feeding. Oh my goodness. They ate the food right out of diver Jon's hands. I mean he would stick his whole hand in their mouths...noooo I am serious...he did! Although I found the feeding to be very exciting it gave Ahliana the opportunity to sit still for a minute and right there in my lap...she was out. If you know anything about my kid you know this 1) she is as cute as a button, 2) she has astounding communication and vocabulary skills for a two year old, & 3) she NEVER falls asleep in her stroller, or sitting up in my lap for that matter, while we are walking around...I mean this really was a first for me. She let us put her stroller seat down just a little and strap her in and she was down for the count (for a good an hour). Talk about tired. This gave daddy and I time to rest. We went into another air conditioned building and ate a snack {don’t worry we saved her some}.

We promised Ahliana that we would go swimming and she kept asking to get her feet wet and although we know that there is a water park at Sea World time just did not permit for it to happen this trip. However, we did take her swimming back at the hotel and she was delighted. I think she was more excited about swimming then seeing Shamu...Although she did keep saying "look I'm swimming like a dolphin daddy".

I'm a Ballerina...I'm a Ballerina...

The loves of my life!!

Our Taxi to dinner - Thank you Andy {Poor guy got a good workout on this ride}

It was a day full of memories....


The next day we would start our journey home by stopping at The Market for lunch. {Everyone knows when you go to San Antonio that you have to stop by the market}. Ahliana is such a little ham that she got up on the stage area and just started singing "I'm a ballerina, I'm a ballerina" and twirling around and around...no fear that girl. Lucky for us the stage was empty and there wasn't a "real" performance going on.

We then strapped her in her seat once again to finish up our vacation at National Bridge Wildlife Ranch - An African Safari * Texas Style.

Just as we pulled in line to pay for our tickets it started to pour down rain. This was NOT going to stop us from going through the safari...not if I had ANYTHING to do with it. We pulled into the parking lot and decided to wait it out for a little while. We let Ahliana eat and it gave us time to go into the gift shop to look at all the overpriced merchandise- which of course we purchased.

The rain let up just enough so we loaded back up into the car and started on our journey through the safari.  I won't bore you with th details but I will let the pictures tell the stories....  enjoy.

Is he winking at me?

Runnig free... this was so much more beautiful then the picture.

Hummmmm....should I give him the food or just tease the nice goat?

Please stop eating my pants...

Until next time!

Again amazing ... Another day full of beautiful memories... And we will just continue daily making them. 

 

Thank you God for the opportunity!!

My Angel Baby!!